On one fine June day, Americans discovered that all their phone calls and Internet activity records belonged to the NSA. After digesting the fact that we were now living with our very own Big Brother, I decided to make a list of requests for the NSA.

This is a list of requests which would please me. If you would like to contribute to it and make it better (i.e. funnier!), please comment below and I’ll publish an updated list sometime in the not-so-distant future, so help me Orwell.

10. Please empty my spam and update my e-mail contacts. I know this could be a lot of work, but it would make your job spying on me easier, too. Win-Win.

9. Please fill out all those annoying White House petitions strangers send me — as if an Administration that allows spying on its citizens really gives a damn about fixing any real issues, right?

8. When my Verizon call is dropped, could you please reconnect me?

7. Speaking of phone calls, could you sign me up for the National Do Not Call Registry?

6. And I’m not paying for the GPS feature currently, but I know you can track me via my phone. How about a freebie if I get lost in eastern Idaho or something? I’m cheap, but I do tip.

5. How about listening in on some of our elected leaders phone calls for any wrongdoings? Or did I miss the news report that DC had been cleaned up?

4. Ditto on Wall street executive calls and email! Not one prosecution? No one in jail. Really?

3. This may sound a little nitpicky, but how about spying on your own agents? So you demonize whistleblowers like Snowden, and you can’t even keep your own house tidy? Why don’t you put the “S” back in NSA and catch some real bad guys who are planning the next 9/11?

2. Did I mention Wall Street already? Seriously, these corporate schmucks crash the economy and get bailed out while people lose their homes and their livelihoods. If there ever was a national security problem, there it is! Do your jobs!

1. And finally, if it isn’t too much to ask, how about you QUIT SPYING ON ME!? I’m not that interesting, and I’d hate to bore one of your agents to sleep while a real terrorist is bragging about the bomb he just planted under some ambassador’s car.

Requests for the NSA: Originally published on Digital Journal