WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the Evangelical Resistance Movement scoured the White House late into the night to rid the seat of government of rats, snakes and demons, a high-ranking Trump Administration official said.
“Jerry Falwell Jr. called on his flock of resistance movement members to show up in military gear, armed with AK-47’s, to make sure our heroic leader is not under attack from American traitors and other members of the Deep State,” the official said, asking to remain anonymous because President Trump had not given him permission to speak to the press.
The source, who is close to the president, added, “Falwell also appeared to walk the White House halls, speaking in tongues to fight the devil Coronavirus, which intelligence reports indicate will be placed inside the White House if members of the Deep State get their way.”
To confront this threat, Falwell said in a press release, he has ordered his Evangelical Resistance Movement troops to guard the White House entrance day and night. “Our God-fearing, patriotic Americans will do everything possible to protect President Trump.
Driving out of the White House gates, in a pearly white Bentley, Falwell spun his head around to answer a question from a rude, pesky reporter.
“President Trump is right about the dishonest, sick members of the fake news media who continue to blame him for doing nothing as the Coronavirus pandemic spread from China to Europe and now the United States. Millions more of our fellow Americans would have died if our president did not take quick, decisive action. God bless him for putting America first.”
Falwell, the president of Liberty University, an evangelical institution, made news recently when he ordered his students to return to the Lynchburg, Va. campus when student break ended. Twelve returning students were discovered to have Covid-19 symptoms.
Reached in heaven, the spirit of Malcom X said, “We must get President Trump out of D.C. and back to Mar-a-Lago, where he can play golf and swap conspiracy theories with his wealthy buddies. We must do this by any legal means necessary.”
The spirit also addressed the prevailing political winds of our times.
“The Congress may have to pass a tax reform bill granting President Trump and his family massive incentives so they can deduct their move back to private life on their tax returns for the next decade.”
The spirited spirit added, “From my vantage point, it is clear that Republicans do everything possible to suppress the vote, which gives them a fighting chance of winning elections they would otherwise lose.
“Therefore,” he continued, “caring Americans of all races, creeds, religions and sexual orientations must insist that state legislatures in all 50 states pass laws that let all registered voters vote at home this fall, when the pandemic will return after a brief respite.”
Smiling, the spirit of Malcom X concluded, “Voting by mail this fall is the patriotic thing to do to support our democracy and practice physical distancing.”
Trump, though, sees things differently. He recently denounced vote by mail, which is also called voting at home, saying a lot of people cheat if they don’t show up at a polling station and display their identification.
After he was elected president in 2016, Trump claimed millions of people cheated in that election. No proof was ever found to verify his assertion.