DAYTONA BEACH, FL. – World Wrestling Entertainment will hold a special caged grudge match at the Daytona International Speedway in this oceanside community.
President Trump and his tag team partner, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, agreed to the bout after consulting with medical experts. The GOP duo calls itself the “Patriotic Americans.” They will enter the ring to confront a masked team that bills itself as the “Demon Democrats,” wrestling and administration officials said.
The event, set for pay-per-view television, is expected to raise millions of dollars, which WWE plans to donate to the Florida Republican Party. The match takes place as many Sunshine State residents are staying at home or keeping their distance from other people to avoid spreading Covid-19, the worldwide pandemic virus.
Fans won’t be allowed inside the world-famous race track to watch the event. But state health officials said a tailgate party outside of the Speedway is acceptable, providing people eat junk food and drink beer while standing six feet apart from one another. WWE got permission to schedule and televise this event because the Republican governor declared the sport entertainment promotion an essential activity.
Reporters, known to be born with the “pesky gene,” peppered state leaders with questions about the tailgate party and the caged grudge match.
A state health official, wearing a Make America Great Again cap, went after members of the press.
“We consulted with federal health partners before we took this action,” the masked, unnamed official said. “It is treasonous to question the veracity of leaders who have permitted the tailgate party. The party-goers know they must stand six feet apart, or lie on the ground at an equal distance if they drink too much beer.”
DeSantis, who has a buff chest, explained his reasoning.
“We need to open up, let our hair down, get back to work and focus on things that are meaningful to us,” he said. “It is time to liberate ourselves from nanny-state medical experts and weak-kneed government officials who want to save life no matter what the cost to our lifestyle and economy.”
However, the governor declined to answer questions about what special moves he planned to use to destroy the masked team of Demon Democrats.
Trump, speaking from the White House gym, was not so shy.
“Ron, I’ve seen you without a shirt. You’ve got great pecs. You are going to crush those Demon Democrats, who don’t even have the courage to show their faces.”
Reached for comment, one of the Democratic opponents said, “The president, a known con artist from New York City, appeared on televised WWE events when he worked his trade in New York City.”
The wrestler continued, “We expect this match will be rigged. Trump is buddies with Vince and Linda McMahon, who own the WWE. There is no way they will run a fair election, I mean wrestling match.”
An independent observer of professional wrestling and electoral politics was equally blunt.
“Trump is the one who always talks about things being rigged. He does this so much because he has rigged situations all his life. Or his daddy did it for him. Remember how bone spurs kept Donald from fighting in the Vietnam War?”
The commentator denied charges that he was “fake news, biased liberal, socialist Democrat.”
He said, “I’m a Jack Briscoe independent.” The political and wrestling expert explained that he wrote in the name of the late NWA wrestling champion when he voted for president in 2016. “If Briscoe were with us, he’d teach Trump and DeSantis about his figure four leg lock; that’s for sure.”
The president, munching on a Big Mac, didn’t take the bait. But he disclosed some theatrical flourishes he has planned for the upcoming event.
“Ron will wear tight wrestling trunks to show off his strong body,” the president said. “Putin has his horse; Ron wears his tights.”
Cleaning special sauce from his tie, Trump added, “I plan to wear overalls, which is a way for me to honor rural Americans who stand by me no matter what. They call me ‘Man Mountain Don’, I’m told.”
Trump and DeSantis said they planned to head to the nearby beach after the match ends.
“We need to liberate ourselves,” the Patriotic Americans said in unison. “Y’all invited.”