Guess who’s subsidizing the NSA’s spying on Americans?

American taxpayers flip the bill subsidizing the NSA domestic spying

This revelation comes from Representative Edward Markey (D-MA). Who is subsidizing the NSA?

American taxpayers flip the bill more times than not for NSA domestic spying. This revelation comes not from NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, but from Representative Edward Markey (D-MA). Though it has been known that telecommunications giants like AT&T charge for eavesdropping and monitoring of persons of interest for the NSA and other intelligence and law enforcement agencies, the fact will likely add to the criticism of the NSA and its domestic spying program.

According to RT via the Associated Press, AT&T charges the government an activation fee of $325 for each individual wiretap. Not to be outdone or over-bidded, Verizon offers a discounted monthly rate for the surveillance of its customers – $775 for the first month of monitoring and $500 for each additional month. Incidentally, you won’t find these “spy” packages on either of the company’s websites.

While Microsoft and Google haven’t disclosed their surveillance fees, by far the greatest deal for the NSA has been Facebook – they offer user data to the government for free. It remains unclear to me what Facebook gets in return; nothing of any value is free in the corporate world. Chances are that details of Facebook’s dealings with the NSA and other government entities will emerge at a later date. The fact that many Facebook users have been awfully prickly about their privacy settings will likely cause more PR headaches for Facebook. They’re certainly losing out on a lot of revenue if they really aren’t charging for surveillance of their users.

Which brings me to the point of this whole sordid affair: Why are these companies offering half-baked packages to the government to spy on their customers? I mean, from what we know so far, it doesn’t look like the insiders behind these fees have come up with well thought-out packages worthy of the marketing behind the deals they offer to the public. By industry standards, Verizon is going about it all wrong. Shouldn’t they be offering a low introductory rate for the first month and then charge a higher premium for each additional month? And where the hell is the two-year contract?

I’m going to submit a few humble marketing suggestions to help out our big brothers at Google and Microsoft (Facebook will just have to wait since they aren’t even trying). I would hate to see such profitable enterprises lose out on what could otherwise be lucrative government contracts.

Google subsidizing the NSA

So you’re not disclosing your fees, huh? My haunch is that they’re completely nonsensical like the rest of these guys. Here are some catchy packages the NSA would surely respond to.

Google-A-Goon. An introductory package to give the NSA just a taste of what you have to offer. Google the name of the citizen and the first complete half of all the user’s data is delivered in a handy and searchable Excel file for free! If they like what they see, charge $19.99 for the second half of the data. The best part is there’s no obligation, no contract!

Don’t Be Evil Exclusive. For those crafty devils who require around-the-clock surveillance and up to the minute keylogging. Set yourself apart from AT&T and Verizon’s monthly plans. Make this a lifetime package! Charge a cool $1 million per person of interest. This package comes with a two year commitment and an early cancellation fee of $50,000 for each month still left on the contract. Cancellation fee can be waived with submission of a copy of the death certificate or financial proof of a government-backed execution (including by drone), rendition, or imprisonment at Guantanamo Bay only.

Google Maps Their Ass. Short on surveillance crew funding? Need some real-time video footage that can be tied to a specific geographic locale, complete with listings of the nearest Starbucks and doughnut shops, accurate to within five feet of your target? This is the package for you. Select from a variety of video and photo add-ons. “Google Maps Their Ass” so you can render them speechless!

Microsoft subsidizing the NSA

I’m sure your package scheme is just as embarrassing. Let me help you out since you’ve had a history of lagging behind in Internet innovation.

The Bill Gates Bagger. An introductory offer to compete with Google – also priced at a very affordable $19.99 per perp. This package offers a complete “window” into any registered version of Microsoft Windows operating system. Discover all you want, when you want. Order within the next ten minutes and get a free Monsanto Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation t-shirt!

Microsoft NSA Essentials. Expand your Microsoft Security Essentials offerings to include free NSA spyware. Bypass warrants and the courts and tap directly into Microsoft customer’s computers arbitrarily, just for fun! Who knows, maybe the mastermind behind the next 9/11 needed a new virus scanner and now you’ve caught him red-WMD-handed thanks to a completely random, time-consuming search. Think of this as a lottery ticket chance at catching a terrorist. At a low, low price of only 99 cents per download, you can’t go wrong! And be sure to add in the terms and conditions small print: Warning. Microsoft does not condone gambling and asks intelligence agencies to purchase downloads responsibly and for entertainment purposes only.

The X Box Files. A premium package that allows you to tap heavily into the male ages 6 to 40 demographic. Now, not only can you monitor online gamers from across the US and around the world, but you can now “see” them thanks to a wide array of miniature cameras installed in the X Box game console. Don’t think enemies of the state play video games? Think again. X Box users play some of the most violent video games around. On the flip side, many of their skill levels are probably on par with some of the CIA’s best drone pilots. Whether you want to spy or recruit the next generation of drone operators, this package offers a versatility unlike any package available to the surveillance community. Packages start at $1 million per network of 1,000 X Box owners. A great value, and fun to watch!

Originally published on Digital Journal